25 Ways You Know You’re a Guy Over 50…


50 is the new 30?  Yeah, like hell it is.  I just turned 54 last week and the event has caused me to consider what’s changed about my thinking and my life since turning the big 5-0.  The question in my mind was… “Is it just me, or am I not alone?”  And I figured there was only one way to know for sure.

So, here’s my list of the “25 Ways You Know You’re a Guy Over 50.”  (You girls will have to make your own list.)

  1. Most of the cups and glasses in your everyday cabinet are clearly designed to hold either wine or coffee.
  2. You buy yourself a new toothbrush, floss and toothpaste while grocery shopping and come away feeling like you just treated yourself.
  3. You’re at least somewhat satisfied to be able to reach down and touch your knees.
  4. You’ll let any driver who wants to, cut in front of you.  (As in: “Go ahead… yeah, you too… go ahead.”)
  5. You feel like referring to the cop who pulled you over as “young man.”  (As in: “Yes, young man, how can I help you?”)
  6. You gloat privately about how all of your friends that are your age look older than you.
  7. You compare your physical condition favorably to people who are morbidly obese.
  8. It’s gotten harder and harder to have a meaningful conversation with anyone under 45.
  9. You’ve completely abandoned any thoughts of ever playing a game of full-court basketball again.
  10. You wear something green with something brown and figure it’s the color combo on all the best trees.
  11. Your idea of camping is hiking from the room to the pool at The Mirage in Las Vegas.
  12. You dream of taking over the microphone while boarding a plane.  (As in: “Hey jackass… which part of ‘please move out of the aisle to allow others to pass by,’ don’t you understand?”)
  13. You become slightly disoriented when it’s after 5PM and you haven’t had a glass of wine or a cocktail.
  14. You’ve discovered that if you can’t eat cheese, then life’s not worth living… and that you don’t even like potatoes.  What you like is butter, salt and sour creme.
  15. When your wife says, “You’re not going to eat that are you?”, you flash momentarily on stabbing her in the face with your fork.
  16. You’ve come to accept that your back goes out almost as much as you do.
  17. You find yourself humming along to one of your favorite songs while riding in an elevator.
  18. When you and your wife go to the mall, the first thing you scope out is a bench.
  19. You choose your hotel because of the beds.
  20. No Caller ID is never a call you feel like answering.
  21. Your favorite jeans are your favorite because they’re stretchy.
  22. You’ve been through menopause, so absolutely nothing scares you anymore… and you’d consider doing a tour in Afghanistan just for the peace and quiet.
  23. You can’t stay awake through a movie that starts after 4:30PM.
  24. You picture everything you see while out shopping as what it will look like in your garage.
  25. Celebrating your birthday is about as exciting as celebrating Thursday.

Please tell me that I’m not alone.  Feel free to add your own to my list by commenting or you can email them to me at mandelman@mac.com.


Mandelman out. 

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