What is Ed DeMarco Thinking?

 Now, Barack… I work for Mr. E.H. Harriman of the Union Pacific Railroad and he has entrusted me to execute my duties faithfully and exclusively in the best interests of, and what kid of a stewards would I be if I were to just roll over for a trick like that? You understand, sir right, I mean I can’t just go writing down loans because you say the country or even the world is in trouble.  I work for Mr. E.H. Harriman of the Union Pacific Railroad and he entrusted me…

 

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 Well sir, you’re right, it’s only about this big, and I’m sure Mrs. DeMarco would enjoy something a bit bigger from time to time, but look… you can go ahead and keep insulting my manhood  Mr. President, but I’m still not going to allow principal reductions at the GSEs.  

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 See, now you’re getting into my personal space, Sir, and I do feel very threatened by you, being an African American and all, but even so sir, I can’t approve of principal reductions at Fannie or Freddie, even if  you go to the window… to the wall… or if sweat drops down there, sir.

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 Well, they are a bit older than I’d like them to be, but you see, these are the last two people in Washington that will talk to me or have lunch with me, and yes… they may nap a lot, when either wakes up, you’ll see they’re quite personable.

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 See, this is the face that earned me my nickname… “Ferret Face.”  Okay, so I’m glad everyone can have a nice laugh at my expense.  But it’s still no to principal reductions.

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Yes, it does get colder when I’m in the room, sir.  See. look… you can see your breath.  It’s because I’ve actually been dead for 940 years.  So, now you know… does that frighten you sir?  

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 Well, sir… this is just my concerned face that use when I want people to think that I’m considering something.  No, of course it doesn’t mean that I’ll really consider it, sir.  But I’ve become quite adept at appearing as if I am.  Shall I keep going, sir?

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Okay, so look… let me explain how it works.  And I think it’s important that you come to understand this point, as it will likely save us both time in the future. At Fannie or Freddie, we simply don’t have a “Give the Money Back Department.”

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 Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday to me… Happy Birthday dear Ed… Happy Birthday to me.  Okay, done.  I’m glad that’s over for another year.  

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What the… I feel like I’m standing in a hole… Oh, wait… I am standing in a hole… very funny guys, that’s very funny.  You know, you don’t have to go to all these lengths to make me look small… I already look small enough, don’t you think?

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How do I explain it?  Well, I come into the office before dawn and don’t leave until after dark.  And in addition to that, I never allow the curtains to be opened, and I wear a specially made sunblock that’s 99 SPF.

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Maybe it would help if I used a visual aid to make my point.  See the space between my fingers.  Well, that represents the amount of principal reduction that I’d be willing to agree to.  Are you starting to get it now, or do we need to go over it again?

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Ed… I don’t know what your problem is, but I’d bet it’s difficult to pronounce.

Mandelman out.