Inside the Mind of JPMorgan Chase CEO, Jamie Dimon



This is what a man looks like who is in charge of more than $2 trillion in assets, and whose acts could destroy the global financial system over a weekend?  Or, is this just a real life Barney waiting for Fred to go bowling?


 Excuse me… would anyone like to pull my finger?




How big is TOO big to fail?  Well… I’d say about this big.




Oh Danny Boy… the pipes, the pipes are smiling… 




On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove him from his place of residence.  That request came from his wife.  Deep down, he knew she was right.  But he also knew that one day he would return to her.  With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend Oscar Madison.  Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy.




Who is that black guy?  Does he play for San Antonio?  Nah, he looks too… poor.  Ask him to get us some coffee and then bring my Bentley up from the garage…  Oh my God that’s… 

Why, good afternoon, Mr. President. I didn’t recognize you in that warm up suit.  Very handsome, sir… very handsome indeed.




Dude,  I’m just having a little pizza, talking about banking.  You want some of this?  Okay, how much cash you got on you?  This is not a cheap pie. Give me $50k and you can have a slice.




I’d spend hours watchin’ sports, then selling‘ with the shorts
Buying bonds and stock.  In my head it’s too funny,
All I think about is money… ever since I found Barack!

(And if he only had a brain… LOL.  What a tool.)

Hair just does not get any better than this.  I make owning the planet look good.



It’s Dimon.  Put the Greek on the phone.  Εμπρός… Χόβερκράφτ μου είναι γεμάτο χέλια.   Καλὴ τύχη!  Πού είναι η τουαλέτα; Καλά Χριστούγεννα!  Μία γλώσσα δεν είναι ποτέ αρκετή.

Okay, it’s all set.  Have the French banks transfer the trillion euros to the Germans, and from there to our friends in Bahrain.  Once the riots have started send the money to Spain by mistake. Don’t worry about Bernanke, he won’t even use the rest room without asking me first, and Pandit actually thinks he’s running Citi… I know… hysterical.  

Besides my plan worked perfectly over here… everyone thinks I’m upset over the London Whale and losing a couple bialys on a c-swap deal. Might as well tell him to lose a little more just to make sure Mr. Harvard Law President and the Americans stay distracted.  Bwhahahahahahaha!




Go ahead, try me… Greenspan, Bernanke, Blankfein… I’ll take all three of you at the same time.  In fact, go find two or three more old Jews to help you if you want… Shalom motherf#@kers.

(I love being the toughest guy in the industry.)




Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful… or rich… or powerful… hate me because we both know I could sleep with your wife inside of 30 minutes if I wanted to.  

Yep, and that’s why they call me the job creator.


Can I buy you now?


Mandelman out.

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