Obama’s New Federal Agency: The Comedy Board
Dateline: January 13, 2009
The Disassociated Press
President-elect Barack Obama, in a press conference held earlier today at a Georgetown Comedy Club, announced the formation of a new federal agency that will officially operate under the name: The United States of America Comedy Board, or TUSOACB, thus fulfilling the government’s obligation to turn everything it touches into a wonky acronym.
In a Presidential edict released to the liberal media today:
The Comedy Board has been established by the Obama administration to help Americans identify what is, and what is not, funny. “Clearly, America needs help in this regard,” said a source close to the president. Ever since President Obama came to power, more and more people have been developing a disease only recently identified by the medical community, called “Asticupauass” and it is the role of the board to take steps to control this spreading epidemic. The Board will receive both federal and state funds as part of President Obama’s Revive America Program, and readily admits that although it has no potential to contribute to our nation’s economic recovery, it can offer a few good laughs.
According to the firm of Mammoth, Pervasive & Bland LLP, and as documented by the American Journal of the Illusory & Insipid, the inability to laugh when exposed to something appropriately funny is caused by a form of cognitive apathy that can lead to individuals having Asticupayorass. If left untreated, some sufferers have exhibited the tendency to turn into Supreme Court Justices, bank managers, and members of the U.S. Senate.
In his speech, President-elect Obama said:
“I’m concerned that some of you may be suffering from having Asticupayorass and not be aware that the condition has presented itself so acutely. Some have called it the “cranky killer” because it is sometimes difficult to catch early and therefore has created a growing number of Americans, not to mention numerous members of congress, who we now clearly see have had Asticupayorass for some time now.”
One of The Comedy Board’s many responsibilities will be to monitor the statements and reactions of Americans and provide insight designed to help them to either avoid, recover from, or seek treatment for Asticupayorass. In addition, the Board is empowered to award special points to those who have maintained their ability to laugh at what is funny, or to say funny things. Those that accumulate more than 100 points will be declared to be “funny,” and invited to attend a private banquet hosted by other funny people, and those that are awarded more than 1,000 points will be presented Presidential medals for “Uncommon Funniness in the Face of So Much That Was Not Funny”.
According to The Comedy Board, the self-test to see if you have Asticupayorass is easy. Simply go to any of Mandelman Matters’ columns and read them as you normally would, preferably in a quiet setting. If you find yourself at least chuckling at some point during that reading exercise, there’s probably nothing to worry about, but if you don’t chuckle, laugh, guffaw, tee-hee, or something… well…
You may just have Asticupayorass!