Excuse Me Secretary Geithner? Secretary Donovan? With All Due Respect

Hi guys… thanks for coming… don’t worry… this won’t take long. Have a seat while I chat with the grown ups…

Grown ups… hello. Apparently, Treasury Secretary Geithner and HUD Secretary Donovan have penned a letter to 25 mortgage servicers “urging them” to modify “more” home loans. It’s Friday afternoon and I’ve had a long week dealing with the insanity of an economy in free fall and a government that hasn’t a clue. So, my patience is wearing a little thin. In the news story from AP, here’s what the “analysts” said about Tim and Sean’s letter:

“The program’s effectiveness has been hampered by mortgage firms not being able to keep pace with the applications received for loan modification.”

Now please excuse my French, but what in the Sam Hill does that mean? I know I’m not allowed to swear here, but come on Roger Rabbit… what does it mean? I’m going to print it again.

“The program’s effectiveness has been hampered by mortgage firms not being able to keep pace with the applications received for loan modification.”

The program’s effectiveness has been “hampered” because they can’t keep up with the applications? The cause of the “hampering” is the “applications”? I just don’t know what to say about that. What’s causing the program to fail is the people applying for it? Here it is one more time…

“The program’s effectiveness has been hampered by mortgage firms not being able to keep pace with the applications received for loan modification.”

Well… is anyone any closer to getting a handle on that squiggly-babble? I didn’t think so. We better move on. But make a note… these guys don’t think like normal people. You simply have to have a “beautiful mind” to write a sentence like that. My mother would read a sentence like that and say about the person who wrote it: “Bless his heart.” And we all knew what she meant. And we were nice to that person she was talking about from that moment forward. Here’s a quote from Geithner’s and Donovan’s letter designed to “URGE” them to do something…

“We believe there is a general need for servicers to devote substantially more resources to this program for it to fully succeed and achieve the objectives we all share,” wrote Geithner and Donovan in their letter.

Now that’s some serious “urging,” wouldn’t you say? People, there’s a crisis going on all around us that makes Hurricane Katrina look like a day at the beach. Every single government effort to do something about it has failed spectacularly for two years! And that’s how we’re “urging”. That’s barely a “nudge,” let alone an “urge”. Could someone reading this please make time this month to tell Timmy and Sean the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf… I think it’s time for a refresher.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who wants to push these clowns around the parking lot after school? Really? Come on… you kneel down behind them and I push them over… then we can all have a good laugh. Ha and ha.

Then the news said said:

“The administration exhorted the firms to provide “an escalation path for borrowers dissatisfied with the service they have received” and suggest ways of improving the design of the program.”

I’ve just made a decision. I’ve decided that I will never like anyone that uses the word “exhorted”. Period, the end. I don’t care who it is that does it. That even means you. If you’re reading this and you’s use the word “exhorted” in that sentence, I don’t want to see you around here anymore. Scat. Don’t get me wrong, I love my readers, but you have to draw the line somewhere, and I’m drawing it at “exhorted”.

Then the whole thing went completely around the corner. The news story said:

“We are not getting anywhere near the level of resolutions we expected,” says Bruce Dorpalen, National Director at Acorn Housing Corp.

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done… on Earth as it is in heaven… Give us this day, our daily…

WHAT. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? It’s the only prayer I know and that’s the only thing I could think to do after reading that last sentence. When I’m done praying, I plan to pour a bottle of Jack Daniels down my throat before taking a bath with my toaster plugged in.

This is painful, I know… don’t worry, it’s almost over…

Housing counselors say there is a need to raise homeowners’ awareness of the program.

At least they’ve figured out the problem. Gosh darn it. I knew it was the homeowners who were at fault. Darn them. Weren’t they the ones that caused this mess in the first place? And now they’re screwing up Obama’s plans? I say we shun them.

And then lastly…

“Homeowners on their own are not able to navigate the system,” says Maeve Elise Brown, Executive Director of Housing and Economic Rights Advocates.

Well, that’s obviously because they’re stupid. Look… these homeowners are obviously quite the problem. They don’t learn. They do everything wrong while the rest of the country does most everything right. If these homeowner people can’t get with the program soon, I say we cut them lose. If it wasn’t for them, we should all remember, we’d be a fabulous nation made up of just bankers and government big-wigs… wouldn’t that be awesome? Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Okay… Secretaries Geithner, Donovan… sorry to have to wake you, but it’s your turn. Are we alone? Look, I didn’t want to have to do this in public, but…

OKAY, MORONS… ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. DO YOU TWO CLOWNS REALIZE THAT EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THIS MESS KNOWS THAT YOU TWO HAVEN’T THE FOGGIEST IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING? SERIOUSLY. IT’S EMBARRASSING. IN FACT IT’S SO EMBARRASSING THAT I’M MORTIFIED FOR YOU.

DOESN’T ANYONE AROUND YOU TELL YOU WHAT’S REALLY HAPPENING? DON’T YOU HAVE RELATIVES… NOTHING? ASK YOUR CHILDREN… THEY KNOW… THEY’LL TELL YOU. SOON YOU’RE GOING TO ANNOUNCE SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MAYBE BY ACCIDENT, AND THE NETWORKS ARE GOING TO REFUSE TO INTERRUPT RE-RUNS OF “THE BACHELOR” TO BROADCAST YOU.

PLEASE DO ONE THING RIGHT. EVEN A LITTLE THING. HAVE YOU SEEN BARRY’S POLL NUMBERS? ARE YOU SEEING ANY KIND OF TREND HERE? I KNOW PEOPLE WHO CAN’T DECIDE WHO THEY’RE GOING TO VOTE FOR IN 2012 FOR PRESIDENT: HUGO CHAVEZ OR SARAH PALIN’S DAUGHTER.

Oh, and before I sign off… allow me to “EXHORT” you two to do one more thing…

Never mind… I can’t even talk about it anymore.

Ergo Bibamus.


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