Treasury Discovers Glitch: Banks Healthy, Ready to Lend
The Treasury Department announced today, that it has discovered a glitch in the department’s accounting system that has been dramatically underreporting the condition of our nation’s financial institutions.
The error was discovered when a mid-level government employee questioned the number of zeros on a stress test report, one thing led to another, and within hours Lehman Bros. was back in business, Merrill Lynch announced plans to buy itself back from Bank of America, Washington Mutual ripped down the Chase signs that had only recently gone up around the country, and AIG returned the $170 billion in government loans with interest.
In a related story, AIG announced that it would paying an additional $170 billion in bonuses to its top seven executives, and General Motors announced that it would be buying an entire fleet of new private jets so that its executives could begin using them to fly from one side of Detroit to the other, especially during peak traffic hours. Citigroup announced that it was again open for business and customers were flocking into branches in all fifty states to get mortgages that don’t even require a name or signature.
“We’re confident that the American economy is back on track so we’re not concerned about lending qualifications for mortgages,” a Citi spokesperson said. “And, when you pick up your mortgage, don’t forget to ask a teller for one of our special adjustable rate credit cards that don’t require any minimum monthly payments and then, after the first year, adjust to a rate of 42%.
Some banks, afraid that Citi and the other giants would beat them to the punch, began just driving around neighborhoods throwing bails of cash off the backs of trucks and onto the lawns of homeowners with a note attached. It said:
“In case you want some cash, we thought it would make it easier if we just dropped a bunch of it off… you can come in and lie on the application at your convenience.”
Homeowners and renters were quick to react to the news of our country’s unexpected recovery. Mr. Ephram Jonas McGuilliguty, a janitor at the local library took the rest of the day off to go house hunting with the Mrs. “We were lucky,” Ephram explained. “We picked up a $2 million condo just in time. It seemed a little high at first, but when the bank explained that they would refinance it anytime we wanted, we said hey… why not? Just because it didn’t work last time, doesn’t mean it won’t work this time.”
The stock market also had its best day ever, with the DOW closing right at 14,000, and the NASDAQ at over 3,000. Conversely, gold fell to its lowest level since the Spanish-American War, closing at 37¢ per ounce, and oil is now free.
President Obama and Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner were asked how they felt about the abrupt reversal in our economic situation, and both replied:
“We’re happy that accounting glitch was caught in time for everyone to have a wonderful summer… and frankly, as long as it puts the private loan modification companies out of business for good, then we’re both for it.”
Republicans, who presumably rushed out to capitalize on all the new capitalization, could not be reached for comment, with the exception of Sen. John McCain who was found mumbling while slouched against the wall, saying: “I told you f#@kers the economy had solid fundamentals… I told you…
Whew… well, we certainly dodged a bullet there…