You Better Watch Out, I’m Telling You Why… BofA is Coming to Town… And, they might just break your door down!


Well, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and Bank of America is breaking and entering once again… robbing homes… changing locks… stealing dead husband’s ashes… you know… it’s the holidays!

Yes, it’s true…

Ladies and gentlemen… from the bank that has no idea which houses it owns and which it doesn’t… the people who see a screwdriver and think it’s a house key… the Clown Prince of the Foreclosure Crisis… they’re wearing red, white and blue face masks… give them a you-should-be-in-the-big-house welcome… it’s… the Bank of America Burglars!

APPLAUSE

So, it’s time once again, to sing along with Mandelman!  Oh come on… everyone knows how this holiday favorite goes.  Click the song’s title, but make sure the link opens in a new window, and the music, recorded by J. Fred Coots and Henry Gillespie back in 1934, will accompany you as you sing along…

(Let’s see Matt Tiabbi or Yves Smith do this… I don’t think so… hah!)

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BofA is Coming to Town!

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Well… they can’t find your docs,

They can’t tell you why,

They keep you on hold till, you want to cry.

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BofA is coming to town…

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You better stand guard,

Better stay on your toes,

Don’t turn your back, or they’re gonna’ foreclose.

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BofA is coming to town…

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They’ll send an application,

Tell you to fill it out,

They talk modification,

But what they say, you’d better doubt… OH!

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You just never know,

What they might do,

Could own free and clear, it can happen to you.

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BofA is coming to town…

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You think that they’d never,

Do those kinds of thefts,

But BofA’s right hands, don’t talk to their lefts.

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BofA is coming to town…

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They’ll break in while you’re sleeping,

Drink your scotch and your chablis,

They don’t see what the problem is,

They might steal your Christmas Tree!  Yeah!

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Not much you can do,

When all this occurs,

BofA will just say, go tell it to MERS.

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BofA is coming to town…

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So, if everything’s gone,

Let me be frank,

You know the cops won’t be, arresting a bank.

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BofA is coming to town…

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They don’t care if they own it.

They don’t care if you’re late,

They don’t care about anything,

Welcome to foreclosure-gate!  Hey!

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And, in case you were thinking,

BofA’s a disgrace,

It’s all the same, Wells, Citi or Chase…

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BofA is coming to town…

… And they might just break your door down!

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(It’s the banks, betches!)

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The New York Times broke the story… ready for this?  Probably not… oh well…

“When Mimi Ash arrived at her mountain chalet here for a weekend ski trip, she discovered that someone had broken into the home and changed the locks.

When she finally got into the house, it was empty. All of her possessions were gone: furniture, her son’s ski medals, winter clothes and family photos.

Also missing was a wooden box, its top inscribed with the words “Together Forever,” that contained the ashes of her late husband, Robert.

The culprit, Ms. Ash soon learned, was not a burglar but her bank. According to a federal lawsuit filed in October by Ms. Ash, Bank of America had wrongfully foreclosed on her house and thrown out her belongings, without alerting Ms. Ash beforehand.”

You know what… the hell with it… I think I’m starting to love these guys.  Imagine what it must be like to work there, Oh my God!  What a hoot that must be!  I mean, you come in on any given day, your boss looks at you with “that” look, and you say… “What, come on… tell me!”

And he goes… “The CEO got caught having sex with a llama.”

And you say, “No… not again!  I was only off for three days.  Pictures?”

And he goes, “Video.”

And you say, “Please tell me it was a girl llama.”

And he falls over in his chair laughing, saying… “I didn’t think to ask.”  Bwahahahahahahaha!

You spit out your coffee all over the papers you were carrying.  “Oh, damn it.  And I’ve already asked for these three times.  Oh, well… what’s one more lost set of paperwork (as you throw the stack into the trash can by your boss’ desk).

And your boss gets up and says… “Just tell them they all failed the NPV.”  And you both break out laughing once again as you head for your desk.

But it gets even better.  You knew it would, right?  Here’s the Times once again…

“And in the wake of the scandal involving shoddy, sometimes illegal paperwork that has buffeted the nation’s biggest banks in recent months, critics say these situations reinforce their claims that the foreclosure process is fundamentally flawed.”


NO… REALLY?  YA’ THINK?  FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED?  IT REINFORCES THEIR CLAIMS?

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH… Oh, come on… you’re making my stomach cramp … my cheeks are hurting me… stop it!  Stop it!

But wait… I’m not done… there’s more… the Times takes this sort of thing very seriously, don’t you know…

“Identifying the number of homeowners who were locked out illegally is difficult. But banks and their representatives insist that situations like Ms. Ash’s represent just a tiny percentage of foreclosures.”

Yeah, I can see that.  That’s probably true.  Because identifying the numbers of homeowners who were illegally locked out could be difficult… because it could require COUNTING!

I can’t believe anyone keeps their money in these banks ever.  I’m serious.  They lose stuff all the time, over and over again… and they can’t count to 10.  What kind of a bank is this?  Run, people… you don’t go put your money into a banks that loses stuff and can’t count, you know better than that.

But, at least they only illegally break in and steal all your stuff only a… what was it… oh yeah… only a TINY percentage of the time!

Bwahahahahaha!  I do… I do really love these guys.  I’m sorry, I loved the Stooges too.  And the Marx Bros.  I grew up watching them on Saturdays at the movies… 75¢ and you could stay all day long.  I saw Night at the Opera like 150 times.

Just a little bit more, and then I’ll just post a link to the story, lest you think I’m making a word of this up.  There’s no way… what’s that woman’s name that wrote the Harry Potter books… even she couldn’t make this up and she’s got a super bionic imagination on nuclear steroids, along with more money than Canada, as I understand it.

Anyway, here you go…

“Some of the cases appear to be mistakes involving homeowners who were up to date on their mortgage — or had paid off their home — but who still became targets of a bank.”

Of course they do… why would you wait until you were allowed to break in and steal stuff to break in and steal stuff?  Where’s the fun in that?

Okay, get ready… brace yourself… ready?


“In Texas, for example, Bank of America had the locks changed and the electricity shut off last year at Alan Schroit’s second home in Galveston, according to court papers.”

Wait for it…

Mr. Schroit, who had PAID OFF THE HOUSE, had stored 75 POUNDS of SALMON and HALIBUT in his refrigerator and freezer, caught during a recent Alaskan fishing vacation.

OH, NOOOOOOO… Here it comes…

“Lacking power, the freezer’s contents melted, spoiled and reeking melt water spread through the property and leaked through the flooring into joists and lower areas,” the lawsuit says. The case was settled for an undisclosed amount.

I don’t know… that story sounds FISHY TO ME!  Bwahahahahahaha!  You know what… so what, I don’t get paid for this… I don’t even care anymore.  I’d do it … just for the HALIBUT!

(Oh God… I can barely touch the keys on my keyboard and I just spit my water all over my desk.)

Okay… just a little bit to go…

“In Florida, contractors working for Chase Bank used a screwdriver to enter Debra Fischer’s house in Punta Gorda and helped themselves to a laptop, an iPod, a cordless drill, six bottles of wine and a frosty beer, left half-empty on the counter, according to assertions in a lawsuit filed in August.”

And… what did the mighty JPMorgan Chase have to say about that?

“Chase officials said such behavior by its contractors, if determined to be true, would be considered unacceptable and corrective action would be taken.”

I’m not kidding, that’s what they said.  They would find that “UNACCEPTABLE”.  Well, good for them.  Who raised these people?  Where are their parents?  Hiding under an assumed name in Chile?

Okay, one more… according to the Times, Bank of America, responding to this story, said the the bank:

“… has enhanced its controls in the last year to prevent mistakes.”

Don’t you look at me like that… you can click the damn link in a minute and read the story for yourself.  That’s what it says, word for word.

According to the Times, Alan Jaffa, CEO of Safeguard Properties, which… ON MY MOTHER’s LIFE… is the name of the company that Bank of America hires to break in and steal stuff from people… said:

“There is a stigma that we go in, kick the door in and throw grandma out head first and board up the windows,” Mr. Jaffa said. “We are doing a lot of good out there.”

I don’t think I can take much more of this.  I guess, now anyone can write for The Daily Show, or Saturday Night Live.  You know, I just want to go on record and state that I don’t need this kind of charity.  I could be funny on my own… seriously… you all know I could.  I don’t need the New York Times doing my job for me like this.  I didn’t ask them to… and I don’t particularly like it.  It makes my job more like typing… than writing.

So, Alan White, who the Times says is a “a consumer law expert at Valparaiso University in Indiana,” replied to Mr. Jaffa’s statement, saying:

“Volume is not an excuse for violating someone’s rights.”

Bwahahahahaha!  Why thank you for weighing in on that legal obscurity, Perry Mason.  I no longer feel any urge to go to law school.  I got it down in the house.  Yeah, I dig it … volume ain’t no excuse for violatin’ no rights.  Right on, my brother.  Power to the people.

What else you got for me… a stich in time save nine?  Very cool.  I can dig it.  Far out.

So, then Carlin Phillips, a Massachusetts lawyer representing Ms. Ash said:

“But determining when a house is abandoned is not always easy and is often left to inexperienced contractors.”

Wait a minute, who’s Carlin representing?  I thought Mrs. Ash was the woman in the beginning of the story with the mountain chalet that BofA… oh, never mind, what difference does it make?

So… what’s Chase up to in this regard, I wonder?

“In Washington, Celeste Butler went to check on her father’s house after he spent months in the hospital and ultimately died.”

“The house was ransacked,” Ms. Butler said, adding that it had been neatly maintained beforehand. “They had destroyed furniture, broken into china cabinet. They had looted jewelry.”

Oh, give the guys a break.  Carlin just explained that determining when a house is abandoned isn’t always easy.  Maybe they thought that the owner just had gotten sick of his china cabinet.  It could happen.

So, let’s wrap it up with Mrs. Ash’s story…

“Mr. Ash bought the house in Truckee in 2003. Two years later, he was stabbed to death in a road-rage incident near Truckee. (The driver was convicted of second-degree murder and is in prison.)”

Oh, well now I feel bad to have made such fun… no, I don’t really, but that is sad.  Go on…

“She intended to assume the mortgage on the house, which landed in probate court after her husband’s death. The bank required that she catch up on payments and taxes, so she sent a check for $15,000.”

Okay, got it so far, then what?

“Hearing nothing from the bank for many months and not having ownership of the house, she made no more payments, she said. By the time Countrywide reached Ms. Ash, the real estate market was collapsing, so she sought a loan modification.

Months and years of frustration followed. The bank lost documents and rarely returned her e-mails and phone messages, she said.

When Countrywide issued a default notice in 2007, it went to the wrong address, her lawsuit says. Later, Ms. Ash said, the bank assured her it would not foreclose while she pursued the loan modification.”

Oh, isn’t it always the way?  Yeah, well we know that Countrywide, their word is their bond, right?

“Even so, the bank conducted a foreclosure sale on the property in May 2008. Again, Ms. Ash said she had not been notified and learned of the sale during a summer visit. She said she had been told the sale would be rescinded.

Near Halloween 2008, work crews broke in and cleaned out the place, taking Persian rugs, china, furniture bought on a trip in Peru, skis, photos of her marriage and childhood in Iran. Her husband’s ashes were taken from the couple’s master bedroom.”

Her husband’s ashes were taken?  Mr. Ash’s ashes were stolen from Mrs. Ash?

Hey come on… is this a real story?  Am I reading the Onion?  Nope, it’s the New York Times all right.  Alrighty then… fine.  So, what happened to Mr. Ash’s ashes after Mrs. Ash found they were gone.

Did she accuse Bank of America of being a bunch of… ash-holes?

“Bank of America will work with Ms. Ash and her counsel to determine the extent and cause of her claims and move toward an appropriate resolution of the case.”


Oh, I don’t know about that, actually.  With professional apologist, Carlin Phillips for the Plaintiff, your honor, I’m thinking the Bank of America lawyers aren’t looking at this like heavy lifting, or anything.  She might only come out of this with “Free Checking,” for a couple of years, or something like that.

Alright, Mr. New York Times journalist… takes us home… no pun intended.

“Although the original foreclosure was rescinded, as promised, Ms. Ash, who discovered the break-in in January 2009, says it is hard for her to visit the house anymore and she will probably let it lapse into foreclosure. At this point, she said, it is just a “sad reminder that 22 years of my history vanished.”

“This is in essence a burglary,” said Ms. Ash, walking through the vacant home, with its four levels and commanding mountain views. “But when a burglar goes in, they don’t take your photos and your husband’s ashes.”

“This used to be my haven I’d run away to,” she said. “Now I run away from it.”


Well, I’d have to say nicely done there, Bank of America, all around.  I mean, you managed to take a woman from sending you $15,000 to take over the home out of probate after her husband died… her “haven” she’d run away to… and turn it into a nice size settlement check, I’m sure… a significant amount of public ridicule, this is just the beginning, I’m also sure… and to cap it off… a strategic default!

I’d have to call that the trifecta of mortgage servicing.  You’ll likely be up for some kind of award for this performance.

Very, very well done there.  Bravo!  Maestro!

Now I see why the administration is so worried about keeping the bankers happy, and why the Wall Street firms have to pay out those huge bonuses… so they don’t lose the talent… I get it… ‘cause there’s no way you’re ever going to replace these guys… not a chance in the world.

Here’s your link to the story… have fun: Banks Accused of Illegally Looting Homes

Mandelman out.

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