Cratchit here…

Well, it’s ‘that’ time of the year once again… the Christmas holidays.  For most people, in addition to being the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, it’s also a time to spend with loved ones… our family members and close friends… a time to share in the spirit of giving and to remember all of the goodness that exists in the world.

Today, I’m the owner of my own business, Cratchit Vacation Travel, so every year I take a whole week off at Christmastime.  Of course, not everyone can do that, and it wasn’t always that way for me either, as you may recall.

When I was working for my Uncle Ebenezer Scrooge, many years ago, he never would have allowed that.  In fact, back then, my uncle was positively famous for hating Christmas and mostly because people didn’t go to work on that day.  “Christmas… bah humbug,” he used to say.  It sounds funny now, but back then it used to give me terrible fits and shakes when he would rail on about how he hated this time of the year.

Lucky for me, in Uncle’s later years everything changed for him as far as Christmas was concerned.  It was the craziest thing… one Christmas Eve he changed 180 degrees and he never went back to hating Christmas for the rest of his life.  Christmas actually became his favorite day of the year, if you can believe that.  It was like someone put something in his drinking water.  One Christmas Eve he went to bed a crotchety old man saying “Bah humbug,” and the next morning you wouldn’t have recognized him.  He was jumping all around, telling everybody Merry Christmas, and even showed up at our house with the biggest Christmas Goose I’d ever seen.

From that day forward, Uncle Ebenezer used to say that Christmas was the one day each year when nothing else should matter but spending time with loved ones… and he always did just that, and especially with little Tim, who wasn’t doing at all well back then, until Uncle Ebenezer came by that Christmas morning.  I always believed that if he hadn’t come that day, we might have lost Tiny Tim one day. When Uncle passed away a few years ago, it was hardest on Tim, I think, and I know he misses his Uncle Ebenezer most on Christmas Day.

Christmas is also the time when the bankers get to show off their magnanimous natures by announcing that they will delay foreclosures, trustee sales, and evictions of homeowners until after New Years’ Day.  They’ve been doing it every year, ever since the foreclosure crisis started a few years’ back, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised this year when, on December 3rd, Les Christie, a staff writer at CNN/Money.com wrote:

“Several of the big mortgage players are playing Santa Claus again this year, saying they will not evict borrowers in default during the two weeks surrounding Christmas.  Freddie Mac (FMCC) and Fannie Mae (FNMA), the two government-controlled mortgage giants, are freezing all foreclosure evictions on mortgage loans they own or back from Dec. 20th through Jan.3rd.”

And Christie’s story also quoted Anthony Renzi, Executive Vice President of single-family portfolio management at Freddie Mac, as saying:

“If the property is occupied, our foreclosure attorneys will suspend the eviction to provide a greater measure of certainty to families during the holidays.”

And a spokesman for Bank of America (BAC, Fortune 500), by the name of Rick Simon, was also quoted in the story saying, said that the bank would still observe its usual holiday policy.

“Bank of America’s practice in recent years is to hold off on foreclosure sales or evictions from late December through New Year’s Day…”

And Christie also reported that Wells Fargo’s (WFC, Fortune 500) holiday (foreclosure) freeze will run the same two week period as Fannie’s and Freddie’s.

Playing Santa Claus my ass!  That’s what I have to say about that.  Those bankers wouldn’t know how to play Santa Claus if you fattened them up, stuck them in a red suit, and made them grow white beards.  Hell, I’d bet you that even if you made a banker look like Santa Claus, he’d probably walk around saying “HO, HO, HOmeless!”

Christie referred to the banker’s holiday foreclosure freezes as being a “temporary reprieve” for homeowners but personally, I think it’s a big crock of crap.  It’s not a “reprieve” for the poor homeowners losing homes… no, sir… it’s a reprieve for the bankers, so that everyone won’t see how they’re kicking people out of their homes during the holidays, when they should be modifying those loans in order to help people stay in their homes.

See, if the bankers kept on foreclosing through the holidays, that would make a fine news story for the folks at CNN and MSNBC, and they might send a camera crew to cover a few Christmas Eve evictions just for the drama and the tragedy of it all.  You know how those people love to film train wrecks, it’s like they say, “if it bleeds, it leads.”

So, the bankers realized that those news crews might just start talking with some of those homeowners being forced from their homes on a day like that, and those people would then have a chance to tell the rest of the country how they’ve been treated by their banks… how they should have gotten a loan modification but were denied… and without anyone even telling them why.

And that wouldn’t look so good for those bankers who are really a lot like my Uncle Scrooge used to be… before that one Christmas Eve when he totally changed forever.

If you want to know the truth, I don’t think the banks should be allowed to stop foreclosing and evicting for the holidays… we should pass a law that forces them to keep doing what they do every other day of the year… right through Christmas.

I’d bet you that if we did have such a law on the books, you’d see a whole lot of loan modifications being granted in December, I’ll tell you that.

Bankers playing Santa by not foreclosing and evicting people for a few weeks around Christmas… what a bunch of shit that is… it’s like when a foreign dignitary is coming to London, and they move all the homeless people living in the streets a few blocks away from the parade route, so they can pretend they’re not there.  Or, when you watch those newsreels of Adolf Hitler playing with his dog and smiling at the kiddies… yeah, right… like you’re supposed to say… what a nice guy he appears to be.

And just whom do they think they’re fooling?  How do you think the people feel… the ones that are losing their homes right after the holidays… do you think they’re able to enjoy the holiday knowing that this will be the last Christmas they get to spend in their family home?  I’d bet some don’t even decorate or even celebrate… how could you with something like that hanging over their heads.  And what do you suppose they tell their children when they tuck them in to wait for Santa to come?  It breaks my heart to think about people losing homes unnecessarily at any time of the year, but no time is worse than Christmastime for something like that to happen.

It would be one thing if there was no option, or if they really couldn’t afford to stay there, but if you read the news lately, you know that’s not the case for hundreds of thousands of folks.  In fact, attorney Diane Thompson, who works for National Consumer Law Center has testified recently that she’s represented hundreds of homeowners who were being foreclosed on that weren’t even in default!

And did you read Mandelman’s column yesterday about Bank of America, Chase and others breaking into people’s homes and stealing their belongings, including that woman’s husband’s ashes.  The article was funny in some ways, that Mandelman always makes me laugh, but in other ways that article made me want to scream.

Look, we now should all know that many, if not most, of the people losing their homes are only losing thembecause the servicer is involved.  It’s the servicers that are saying they won’t modify the loans and proceeding with the foreclosures.  And that’s because the servicers make the most money when they service a delinquent loan for a while… and then foreclose on the homeowner.

It’s true… Professor Levitin from Georgetown University recently explained all that while he was testifying in congress.  Want to know something else?  I just learned that Citibank gets 25% of the trial payments if the loan ends up in foreclosure!  Can you believe that?  I don’t know about the other banks, but I’d be willing to take a guess that what’s good for the gander is good for the other ganders too.

And servicers are the ones that have the LEAST to do with the loans in the first place.  They don’t own the loans, they only service them… and they get one quarter of one percent to service a prime loan, half a percent to service a prime loan… but one and one quarter percent for servicing a delinquent loan.  So, you add on all the junk fees for foreclosing onto that and you’ll see why that guy that used to work at Chase… the one that Mandelman interviewed a few months back when he wrote that article, “Inside Chase and the Perfect Foreclosure”, said that Chase was in the foreclosure business, not the modification business.

So, think about it… we’ve got the servicers… the companies that have the least interest in the loans in the first place, and make the most by foreclosing on loans, deciding on whether someone should get a loan modification?  What kind of stupid and uniformed idea is that?

I wish Obama would have told us that when they announced the plan back in February of 2009.  Instead we had to spend a whole year trying to figure out why it was that everyone who called their bank directly to get their loan modified was being treated like shit before being foreclosed on and evicted, without ever even knowing why.  The hysterical thing is how the servicers lied all the time, blaming it on the borrowers, saying it was their fault for not getting their paperwork in right or on time.  That was all a bunch of B.S.

You know how we know that now, right?  Because Treasury just reported that more than half of the people turned down for HAMP ended up getting their loan modified by a servicer anyway, but using some sort of in-house program.  But, guess what… a lawyer recently told me that he compared a HAMP modification to an in-house version from Well Fargo, and the in-house version was going to cost the homeowner roughly $180,000 more over the life of the loan, even though they looked similar on the surface.  See… that’s exactly the kind of crap my Uncle Ebenezer used to pull before he changed, that one Christmas Eve.

Yep, the only people losing money and more are the homeowners and the investors that own the loans.  The servicers are making a bloody fortune, and the banks are getting off easy too.  I say it’s time we all should write to our elected representatives and tell them we’re wise to this game and we want the servicers taken out of the middle as far as loan modification decisions are concerned.

And that there should be no more stopping foreclosures and evictions at Christmastime… because bankers aren’t playing Santa, they’re harming people, causing them to have the worst Christmas ever as they sit and think what’s going to happen when the holidays are over.

I hope all those people that are being delayed for the holiday, get every sale date postponed for as long as they can.  File bankruptcy… that’ll stop the sale date.  Or hire a lawyer and ask him or her how to fight the bankers as long as possible.  Maybe something will change… it sure can’t remain like this forever.

Well, Christmas Eve is almost here so I’ve got to run.  I want to get to sleep early tonight, because last night I had the worst night’s sleep ever.  You wouldn’t believe it, but I had the strangest dream about my Uncle Ebenezer and he was with his old partner, Jacob Marley, who I hadn’t thought about in years.

Well, they both appeared in my dream and they were rattling chains and howling in the most hair raising tones… and they kept yelling out these names that I wasn’t familiar with over and over… and they were dancing about chanting that they were going to visit this group of people this year, AND EVERY YEAR on Christmas Eve.

They were saying… Oooooo… Lloyd Blankfein… every year for as long as it takes…Oooooo… Kenny Lewis… every year for as long as it takes… Oooooo… Vikram Pandit… every year for as long as it takes… Oooooo… John Mack… every year for as long as it takes… Oooooo… John Stumpf….. every year for as long as it takes…Ooooo… Jamie Dimon… every year for as long as it takes… and were others mentioned too… and they went on and on… over and over.  I awoke in a cold sweat, shaking like a leaf in high winds.

I have no idea what they were talking about, and it was probably just the Chinese food I had for dinner, but it scared the living daylights out of me, and I was afraid to even try to sleep after that.

So, Merry Christmas to everyone, and thank you to Mandelman for allowing me to guest post on Mandelman Matters… it’s by far my favorite blog, right behind Yves Smith’s and Matt Tiabbi’s of course, but we don’t have to tell Mandelman that… he’s sensitive this time of year.

And, God bless us… everyone.

~~~~~~

Bob Cratchit

President & CEO

CRATCHIT VACATION TRAVEL, INC.

“Taking you places you never dreamed you’d go.”

Well, it’s officially the “holiday season,” and that means it’s time once again to look back at the year that’s ending, so we can see exactly what we never want to have to think about again.

A lot happened in 2011… the shooting of Rep. Giffords… Wisconsin’s unions and teachers take over the capitol… gay marriage gets the nod… Arab Spring… Japan get walloped by tsunami and earthquake, then fallout from nuclear plant threatens to export killer cloud… Osama gets taken out… terror in Norway… Obama still born in Hawaii… Qaddafi finally gone… Casey Anthony… MJ’s doctor convicted of manslaughter… the GOP’s position of Just Saying NO, except to bankers… Summers gone, Geithner inexplicably still there… US economy in shambles… 10th anniversary of 9-11… Penn State does Catholic Church impersonation… Mitt in first place… Obama clearly not in control…

All in all, I’d say this past year was… awful.  But, I’m sorry to say, this next year will be significantly worse, so buckle your seatbelt.

But enough about that… it’s the holidays, and that means no worrying about next year… yet.

And, since it is the holidays, it’s also time for my annual year-in-review-in-rhyme, read to the famous holiday poem, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. I started writing my ‘Twas the Night year-in-review in 2007, or at least that’s the year I started keeping them, and they’ve been increasingly popular each year.  In fact, ‘Twas the Night was my very first blog post on MSNBC’s Newsvine, which was my very first blog.

Read it… or, I’ll read it to you…

This year, the written version is the December issue of The Niche Report magazine, center spread by the way.  But click play below, and you be able to listen to it as part of a very Special Holiday Podcast.  So, come on… get into that holiday spirit starting right now… join me for ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2011.

Mandelman out.

###

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas… 2011

~~~

‘Twas the night before Christmas, 2011.

And I realized this poem began life in ’07.

This past year was bad, all the growth curves did flatten,

So I mixed up a pitcher and poured my Manhattan.

~~~

First the shooting, of AZ’s representative,

As beginnings go, this one felt rather tentative.

Wisconsin’s unions and teachers, they’re more than just talkers,

Senators fled, said the idea was Scott Walker’s.

~~~

Obama had upheld the ban on gay marriage,

Causing many supporters to malign and disparage.

Did the lawsuits cause Barack to reverse and agree?

Or did he just watch this past season of Glee?

~~~

Three billion saw Prince Willy, wed Mary Kate,

And it looked like $3 billion, would be billed to the state.

She seemed like a girl who’d soon have her prince trained,

Her dress wasn’t the only thing, that looked so restrained.

~~~

Then Egypt exploded over wealth distribution,

Tens of thousands in streets, ready for revolution.

“Arab Spring,” it was called, among them not one quitter,

It was the first time a regime was overthrown using Twitter.

~~~

But, Egypt was just, one link in a chain,

Because Tunisia and Libya, and which other? Bahrain?

Yes, thousands of people had now seen the light,

The beacon of freedom, which now shone so bright.

~~~

And right out of nowhere, came the death of Osama,

We smiled when the credit was heaped on Obama.

Did G. Bush get mad ‘cause the credit got switched,

Dubya said, “Heck no, the win goes to who pitched.”

~~~

And over in Norway, terror attacks came as twins,

I understand how it ended, but not how it begins.

And all the world mourning for religion’s guns,

Had brought darkness to, the land of midnight suns.

~~~

Then while I sat eating some rye with pastrami,

I saw Japan hit by a giant tsunami.

The footage, it made any movie look phony

And I resigned to buy Kodak, if I couldn’t get Sony.

~~~

And just when it looked like they should build an ark,

The concern changed to would people glow in the dark.

Fukushima made leaving one’s home not allowed,

We feared wind would bring us a radioactive cloud.

~~~

And throughout the year, although it was annoying,

It was Obama’s birth cert, with which we were toying.

But born in Hawaii, is what we discovered,

And Trump is a nutcase, that we also uncovered.

~~~

Casey Anthony got off, and few thought it was groovy,

But I’ll bet she’ll be back in her own Lifetime movie.

We found MJ’s doctor was really a killer

And Michael’s now gone and so heaven got Thriller.

~~~

Then over in Libya, Qaddafi’s done too,

I’m not sure what happened, perhaps a CIA coup?

They say making war was one of old Muammar’s vices,

But what we hated most, was that he raised gas prices.

~~~

And throughout the year, the GOP just said NO,

They would only agree to keep things status quo.

Which was bad for Obama, for hope and for change,

The political landscape went from odd to damn strange.

~~~

With health care behind him and financial reform,

The economy, he realized, was far from the norm.

So he turned to his team, Larry Summers and Geithner,

And asked how come credit was now even tightner.

~~~

Not one idea raised, that would fix unemployment

Obama knew then there would be no enjoyment

And banks denied loan mods, seems they’d rather foreclose

When Tim at Treasury talks, his nose grows and grows.

~~~

Watching homeowners who were all underwater,

Apply for loan mods, was like watching manslaughter.

They cried and they screamed, but their cries were ignored,

Bankers blamed borrowers, which left me totally floored.

~~~

And homeowners in court were treated like louses,

The judges all thought that they wanted free houses.

The stereotype whose idea was Wall Street’s,

Turned struggling homeowners into reckless deadbeats.

~~~

S&P with the meltdown, I can’t help equating,

So why allow them to cut our credit rating?

Then Republicans said the U.S. should default,

Which even made Lieberman exclaim, “Oy gevalt.”

~~~

Barack tried a Hail Mary, and threw up a jobs bill,

But Republicans made sure that it was a clean kill.

But what about spending some billions on school,

The GOP yelled out NO, which was not at all cool.

~~~

We remembered 9-11, on its 10^th anniversary

Shows reviewed every detail, it was far more than cursory.

Then Michigan’s straw poll, would the rightwing admit?

That a process of elimination, had left them with Mitt.

~~~

It was time once again, for political season,

With a Republican field, that defied rhyme or reason.

To understand Cain, you need a sentence contextual,

And I assure you I don’t mean to imply something sexual.

~~~

We can’t chance another Texas Gov sympathizer,

‘Cause that’s how we got a community organizer.

I think Perry and Dubya, they’re just too much the same,

Either one in the moment, might forget his own name.

~~~

Penn State was so shocking, so I did some research,

To see if Sandusky was trained by the Catholic Church.

And I know it’s not funny, and I know there’s no reason,

But did some say Paterno should finish the season?

~~~

The GOP’s line up should be like running unopposed,

Bachman plays Palin, her mind completely closed.

With Paul and Gingrich back, it’s hard to keep a straight face.

John Huntsman is “the other Mormon,” and Mitt’s in first place.

~~~

Santorum, Perry, Herman Cain, others past the comma,

There’s no better way to drive voters towards Obama.

The wild card is Europe, what if they default,

It’s our financial system, that they’re going to assault.

~~~

So, with my wife and children in bed and at peace,

I sat by the fire, stressing out over Greece.

I refilled my glass, pulling out all the stops,

Closed my eyes and was dreaming of defaulting swaps.

~~~

Then out on the lawn there arose such clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

I stared out the window, the glass touching my nose,

It was Santa’s real sleigh, pulled by bank CEOs!

~~~

I yelled Blankfein! now Stumpf, John Mack, and now Dimon!

I didn’t know how long I could keep the names rhymin’.

On Lewis!  on Davis!  on Logue! And on Pandit!

Kelly, Davis, Rohr, Gorman… all my favorite bandits!

~~~

And then there he was, dressed in red suit so fine,

I asked him to stay, but he didn’t have time.

I was hoping his sleigh, that he’d teach me to fly it,

But to the North Pole, he had to get to Occupy it!

~~~

So, I said Merry Christmas, and with a crack of two whips,

Those bankers took off running in their Italian wing tips.

I yelled thank you Santa! It was my final remark,

He called back, “Cherish the spirit born in Zuccotti Park!”

~~~

So, I went straight to bed, and fell asleep quite content,

Knowing Santa was part of the 99 percent.

And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah… God bless and good night.

~~~

HO! HO! HO!  Happy Holidays Everybody!

Martin Andelman

Mandelman Matters

~~~

Here are the preceding years, in case you feel like taking a walk down memory lane.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2007

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2008

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2009

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2010

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]]> http://mandelman.ml-implode.com/2011/12/twas-the-night-before-christmas-2011/feed/ 0 http://mandelman.ml-implode.com/2011/11/the-craven-a-halloween-trick-or-treat-with-apologies-to-edgar-allen-poe/ http://mandelman.ml-implode.com/2011/11/the-craven-a-halloween-trick-or-treat-with-apologies-to-edgar-allen-poe/#comments Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:18:44 +0000 Mandelman http://mandelman.ml-implode.com/?p=7662

Okay, so Halloween was yesterday, but I was really busy yesterday, as those with children often are.  I think the day after Halloween should be Adult Halloween, the day on which we eat the children’s candy.  And, so I now present to you, this political trick-or-treat meant for grown-ups on O’Hallows Eve.  With my most sincere apologies to Mr. Poe.

THE CRAVEN

Read it yourself, or click PLAY and LET ME READ IT TO YOU…. Bwhahahahaha!

Reflecting on a year not cheery, what I pondered made me teary

The vast array of broken lives that foreclosures underscore.

Worried my mind would soon be snapping, as in my head I was recapping,

All of those that deserved slapping, that just could not be ignored.

Surely someone would be trapping, justice tapping at my door.

Twas SEC, and nothing more.

~~~

Ah, quite clearly, I recalled, that as I’d learned, I’d grown appalled,

Of all the lives that had been mauled, by acts of banks I now deplore.

While the SEC just kept on sleeping, words for this required bleeping,

In the end the whole world weeping, as I myself had heretofore,

For the countless fair homeowners whose lives they never would restore,

Nameless here forevermore.

~~~

And the fraudulent assignments, pushed by MERS out of alignments

Flagrant fraud willed right round the courts like no one saw before.

Not a man would stand convicted, homeowners would be evicted

I could have sworn they’d come one night, knocking at a mansion’s door

What of Angelo Mozillo, a king of things that live offshore

He wrote a check and nothing more.

~~~

Geithner spoke of being stronger, but Justice takes “longtime” and “longer”

Our bankers free post fraud galore, while we change to lessee from lessor.

I wasn’t sure why Tim was yapping, I asked, “Was HAMP designed for trapping?”

Cause at this point no one’s clapping, and your countenance quite unsure

What of crimes the bank committed, did he not fear the crowd’s loud roar?

I tried, but established no rapport.

~~~

Into the Fed I began peering, as I stood there wondering, fearing

Seeing things called Maiden Lane, first saw one and then one more

But the silence was unbroken, opacity to be maintained

O’er his kingdom, Bernanke reigned, and no one was to know the score

Barack? I called for the man I once believed was our savior

But just the clock, and no encore.

~~~

It was the fall for leaves were turning, how could they have escaped learning

Strategies they must be mapping, working harder than before

Would they speak of the foreclosures, in the states that always swung?

I watched them, read them so I might this mystery explore

I listened to each word they spoke, pray my sanity to restore

It was the wind and nothing more.

~~~

Was there someone charged at Goldman, hoping before I was an old man

But no the Craven too afraid, afraid of bankers all, therefor

Not a single one Wall Streeter, would be thought of as a cheater

Summers said no crimes occurred, and he was Tim’s mentor

For he had come direct from Rubin, whose home was at the shore

The Craven sat and nothing more.

~~~

These gutless wonders not beguiling, thinking of them ended smiling

While their faces still somehow looked, just as always, so cocksure

As Harvard men, they were clean-shaven, some from Yale, down in New Haven

But we all saw them as the Craven, as they walked on White House floors

Would we ever see a banker, locked behind a guarded door?

Quoth the Craven, nevermore.

~~~

So, Dimon, Mack and Vikram Pandit, Stumpf and Blankfein all bank bandits

What they did destroyed our nation, although that no relevancy bore

For we cannot avoid our seeing, that they are not in need of fleeing

They were blessed with men in power, who their acts would now ignore

For in this country crimes were only punished if you’re poor,

And if rich then “Nevermore.”

~~~

For the Craven cared only to win, their messages were mostly spin

No soul, no conscience, no sense of right or wrong did pour

Nothing further would they utter, disregard those in the gutter

Till we scarcely even muttered, any words that spoke rancor

We had no choice it seemed, though their welcome they’d outwore

Others worse, so nevermore.

~~~

Startled by promises broken, although admittedly well-spoken

Nothing would they do, that Wall Street bankers not adore

Now we’d have disdain for masters, whose acts were untold disasters

Sinking fast and then much faster, singing songs of burden bore

The dirges of his hope and change, melancholy out of range, swore

Once again, but nevermore.

~~~

Next time we’ll not be fooled, by loans once made, soon after pooled

For we will not again be harmed, by loans described as Option ARMed

And for those today who live on high, the word to remember is “Occupy”

The battle you may have won, but I wouldn’t be so sure

Because it’s only just a battle, do you think you’ll win the war?

Quoth the Craven, nevermore.

Mandelman Ooooooooout!

Okay, well I’m back from my Spring vacation, a tradition I started only last year but plan to maintain, and I’m fresh off a wonderful week of watching Hawaii beat the feathers out of the banking lobby and pass the toughest foreclosure prevention bill in the nation, hands down.

So, now it’s time for another edition of Mandelman’s Monthly Museletter that is still not quite making it out monthly, but I’m working on that.  At least there’s one thing you can count on though, it’ll be packed with insight into things about the financial and foreclosure crisis that matter.  (By the way… all the stories that follow are actual stories although I my have embellished a bit to make a point.)

1. Treasury Reports 84% of Permanent HAMP Modifications Still Current After 12 Months!

As my mother used to say… will wonders never cease!  Why, I just don’t understand it… how in the world can it be?  What happened to the “60% re-default rate” on loan modifications that we’ve been hearing about ad nauseam since 2009?

It’s not just me, right?  I’m not imagining things, am I? That is what we’ve been told these last couple of years, haven’t we?  The answer is YES… that is what they’ve been saying… but it turns out they were full of beans.

And not only that, but the geniuses at the Treasury Department have also studied the data and guess what?  You’ll never believe it… are you sitting down?  There’s a relationship between the amount of the reduction in a borrower’s payment and the future performance of the loan!

Well shave my head and call me Baldy!

Turns out… and I know you’re going to find this hard pill to swallow… if you reduce someone’s payment by 50 percent, the loan performs better than if you only reduce it by 20 percent or less.  I swear… it’s true!  For the loans that had payments reduced by 50 percent, fewer than 12 percent are 60 days or more delinquent.  You’re darn tootin’.

According to Treasury’s latest HAMP report, there are currently close to 600,000 borrowers in permanent HAMP modifications, and something like 36,000 new permanent modifications were reported in March of this year, and 36,000 borrowers began trial modifications in that same month.

And the government says that the median payment reduction in a permanent HAMP modification is 37 percent, which is about $500 a month in American money.

The Republicans, you may recall, wanted to kill HAMP just a little while ago, because they say that it costs even more than NPR or keeping Planned Parenthood open for a year in Washington D.C. But as you might also recall, and I hate to toot my own horn, but I did say back then that HAMP was finally starting to work after two years of wholesale ineptitude… so why would we kill it now?

When I said it wasn’t working everyone else said it was… and they turned out to be wrong.  When I said it was starting to work, everyone said it wasn’t… and they were wrong again.  Go figure.

2. Surprise, surprise, surprise… Falling Home Values… Look Out Below!

Home values fell in the first quarter of this year at the fastest rate since 2008 according to Zillow Inc. on Monday of this week.  Now, I wonder why that would be?  All this economic stuff is hard to figure out, don’t you think?  I wonder where the home values are headed next… if I only knew…

Here’s the funny part, Zillow now says that this new data means that we won’t see a bottom until 2012 at the earliest.  I’ve fallen in love with the guys over at Zillow… they just keep moving that bottom forecast out one year at a time and eventually they figure they’ll get it right.  It’s one heck of a plan, I tell you what.

Zillow’s Home Value Index fell 3 percent in the first three months of 2011 and was down 8.2 percent year over year.  Not that any of this stuff means anything since there’s no real estate market, no lending, a shadow inventory so big it could block out the sun and cause the next ice age, to say nothing of the gazillions of loans over 90-days delinquent and the people living in homes that they haven’t paid for since Bush was sitting in the Oval Office.

Underwater homeowners reached a record 28.4 percent of single-family homes, so if you’re not yet underwater, but you start to feel that moist feeling lapping at your toes, you’ll know what it is, and should have plenty of time to run out and get yourself a snorkel.

Here’s an adorable little quote from Zillow chief economist, and I use that term very loosely, Stan Humphries:

“Home value declines are currently equal to those we experienced during the darkest days of the housing recession. With accelerating declines during the first quarter, it is unreasonable to expect home values to return to stability by the end of 2011.”

I agree, Stan… and with the way we’re handling this foreclosure crisis, I’d say it’s damn unreasonable at that.

Zillow also said that it saw home prices decline in almost every single market… they track 132 markets, so that’s a lot of markets.  The only ones that didn’t decline were Ft. Meyers, if you were there last Thursday…. Champaign-Urbana in Illinois during the 3^rd week of February, and… Honolulu, Hawaii… for three days in March, the 12^th, 17^th, and in the afternoon of the 23^rd.

So, after what would have to be the most embarrassing months in the lives of every one of the state AG’s, the group of 50 state Attorneys General has taken a shot at turning their proposal into milk-toast in an effort to plant a big wet one on the collective buttocks of the top five mortgage servicers in the hopes that the bankers will let them go back home and crawl into their respective holes.

You remember the 5o State AGs that came roaring out of each of their states yelling things like “principal reductions,” and the like.  Yes, well principal reductions, as it turns out , were such a red hot idea so they’ve been dropped from the proposal.

But principal reductions were replaced with the right of a borrower whose been tortured in a prolonged trial modification but then denied a permanent modification to go through the excruciating experience AGAIN.  The AGs’ proposal says the outcome won’t change the second time around, which they hope will be reassuring to the borrowers.

There’s also talk of the servicers being limited to only losing a borrower’s paperwork a maximum of five times in any given month, after which the servicer would have to agree to not return a borrower’s calls for at least 14 business days.

The big question is how much the AGs will seek in monetary penalties from the servicers, who say they won’t borrow a nickel more than a $10 billion from the Fed at 0% to pay the AGs’ fines.  A spokesperson for the servicers said that anything over $10 billion just isn’t fair to the taxpayers who will ultimately be paying the fine.

Fed Chair Ben Bernanke has already said he will quietly forgive the loans as a holiday gift for the servicers at the end of this year, but Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said that it was his turn to forgive a loan to the servicers and that it wasn’t fair that the Fed get the credit for the whole $10 billion.  “At the very least we’ll split it,” Geithner said.

The servicers are arguing that regulators have not provided evidence that servicing problems led to wrongful foreclosures and that the government has failed to prove that anything has been even slightly inconvenient about the way servicers have handled foreclosures during the crisis.

The AGs are considering using whatever money the servicers let them have to start a “Cash for Free” program to help fund annoyed bankers who will need to have a few drinks after work as a result of speeding up the foreclosure process. The funds will also be used to promote mortgage counseling.  Borrowers will be able to call a dedicated line where bank employees will yell at them to “Get the Hell Out” after chastising them for living beyond their means.

The state AGs are also asking servicers stop pursuing loan modifications and foreclosures at the same time, a process known as dual tracking.  Under the AGs’ proposal, servicers would start a loan modification at the same time they start the trustee sale process thereby skipping the whole foreclosure mess in its entirety.

But one thing the AGs are asking for has caused several of the servicers to become quite cross and may threaten the entire process.  Apparently, the AGs are wondering if the servicers would mind if they just asked them about some sort of proof that they own the home prior to taking it back as an REO.  The AGs were thinking about maybe a forged note, endorsement or even an unattached allonge would be fine… whatever is most convenient for the servicers.

Lastly, the AGs have agreed to drop the requirement that servicers provide the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau with the secret NPV formulas used to arbitrarily disqualify borrowers for loan modifications.  One of the servicers was quoted as saying, “Tell Liz Warren to go f#@k herself.”

4. Iowa’s AG, Tom Miller to Servicers: STUDY THIS!

Miller called the study paid for by the banking industry, “grossly inaccurate,” and noted it was paid for by some of the servicers involved in negotiations with the 50 state AGs.

Miller’s press release said:

“This is a flawed study based on inaccurate assumptions, and it reaches grossly inaccurate conclusions.  This study was bought and paid for by the industry, and that fact is reflected throughout.”

Servicers all look sincerely confused by Miller’s reaction and response to the study.  They said there’s nothing unusual about the financial services industry funding their own research, in fact the servicers spokesliar said it’s been done that way for the last 35 years and the industry sees no reason to change the system now.

The study found that the proposed settlement with the top five mortgage servicers will prolong the foreclosure crisis until 2050, drive up mortgage interest rates above 20%, slow new home construction to the slowest pace since 1864, and cost $70 trillion to $100 trillion a year.

5. Shockingly, Banks Seek to Take Unfair Advantage of Distressed Homeowners

Co-published by ProPublica with Slate

Bank of America is slipping some fine print into their loan modification contracts and forcing borrowers to either sign or lose their home to foreclosure, according to a story co-published by ProPublica and Slate.

If borrowers want their loan modified by BofA, they’ll have to agree never to sue the bank for anything again for the rest of their lives, to work for the bank as an indentured servant for a period of not less than seven years, and to deliver the to the bank the second son born by the homeowner before his reaches the age of four.

Jane Azia, director of consumer protection for the New York State Banking Department says “It’s just unfair. It puts borrowers in a very vulnerable situation.”

But Bank of America disagrees.  BofA Vice President, Simon Legree said: “We really don’t think we’re asking too much, and remember, just like their mortgage, no one is forcing them to sign the agreement.  It’s entirely up to them.  If they don’t want to sign, we spray paint ‘LOSER’ and ‘DEADBEAT’ on the front of their home and post an armed guard who will allow them 72 hours to vacate the premises, so we really feel like we’re doing more than the law would require.”

“You want a chance at saving your home? Then you’ll have to waive your rights, or at least allow 8-10 of our executives to gang rape your wife,” explains Bill Sikes from the Financial Roundtable.  “We really think homeowners are making too much of this.  Just make your damn payments and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

At least one homeowner, George “Limpy” Jetson says he didn’t want to sign the agreement that cost him his left leg and his wife’s kidney, but he says he felt like he had a gun to his head.  “I wasn’t going to sign it.  I told the man from Well Fargo the answer was no.  But then he pulled out a loaded gun and put against my right temple, and well… what could I do?”

“I guess at the end of the day, at least we have our home, and we’ll gladly pay the $600,000 for the home even though it appraised for $129,500… as long as I get to keep both of my testicles and my daughter isn’t forced to carry one of the bank branch manager’s babies when she turns 18,” the man says.

Consumer advocacy groups are advising homeowners to do whatever the bank asks of them, except take a shower in a large room with others, and then get the hell out of the country as fast as possible.

6. Mish Shedlock Digs Deeper into Unemployment Hoo-Hah

Mish is the best at the unemployment numbers, so I thought I’d just give you the highlights and you can do more digging on his site if that’[s your thing:

A. The unemployment rate comes from a “Household Survey,” which is a phone survey.

B. The official definition of unemployed is you do not have a job, you want a job, and crucially, you have looked for a job in the last 4 weeks.

C. Every month the media focuses on the headline number, ignoring millions who have “dropped out of the labor force” simply because they stopped looking for work.

D. And the millions more in “forced retirement”, which Mish defines as someone over 60 whose unemployment benefits ran out so they retired to collect Social Security even though they really want a job.

E. Last month many were surprised to see the jobs report claim 244,000 jobs were added yet the unemployment rate ticked up 2 tenths from 8.8% to 9.0%.

F. The fact is, employment fell by 190,000 according to the Household Survey and another 131,000 people dropped out of the labor force last month or the unemployment would have been even higher. Fewer people (131,000 to be precise) wanted a lob and looked for jobs in April than in March.

G. Regardless, close scrutiny of the details in the report shows the headline numbers were far worse than they looked.

H. In the last year, the civilian population rose by 1,817,000. Yet the labor force dropped by 1,099,000. Those not in the labor force rose by 2,916,000.

• In January alone, a whopping 319,000 people dropped out of the workforce.
• In February another 87,000 people dropped out of the labor force.
• In March 11,000 people dropped out of the labor force.
• In April, 131,000 dropped out of the labor force.
• The 4-month total for 2011 is 548,000 people dropped out of the labor force.

I. Were it not for people dropping out of the labor force, the headline unemployment rate RIGHT NOW in this country would be well over 11%.

J. Unemployment Math Since April 2008

Those not in the labor force as noted in the April 2008 Employment Report = 79,241,000
Those not in the labor force today = 85,725,000
So, Since April 2008 6,484,000 dropped out of the labor force.

If we add those back into the labor force and to the unemployed, the math look likes this:

Civilian Labor Force: 159,905,000
Unemployed: 20,231,000
Revised Unemployment Rate = 20,231/159,905 = 12.7%!

Not 9%… 12.7%.  (And that’s U3, not U6)

~~~

Mandelman out.

Twas the Night Before Christmas, 2007

Twas the night before Christmas, 2007

And as I sat listening to some nice Andre Previn.

I realized that this had been an exceptional year,

Deserving of special mention, so I opened a beer.

~~~~~~

It started with a woman as Speaker of the House,

Cheney looked like a cat looks when eyeing a mouse.

Then I toasted Gerald Ford while having a drink at a bar,

Said Bush in his comment, “He sure made a great car.”

~~~~~~

Scooter Libby went on trial, and his supporters looked clique-ish,

Did he do something illegal, or just something dick-ish?

Global Warming took center stage, thanks to Al Gore,

Now even Bush says it’s bad, so now I’m not sure.

~~~~~~

The little guy from Iran, he kept making a racquet,

But who’s scared of a guy in a Members Only jacket?

Larry Craig got arrested, but it was just by chance,

When he sits on a toilet, he just has a wide stance.

~~~~~~

Our Attorney General had problems over people he fired,

He said: “I don’t recall,” until we were all tired.

And what about the sports guy with the last name of Vick,

He’s now in prison for making us sick.

~~~~~~

The Senate tried again to research the stem cell,

But G.W. warned that we would all burn in Hell.

Then Wolfowitz got tossed, out of the World Bank,

For helping his girlfriend, who looked to me like a skank.

~~~~~~

Of course, the war in Iraq between Shiite and Sunni,

Continued as planned, but whose planners seemed loony.

And we continued to torture detainees held in Cuba,

But the media preferred covering a missing girl in Aruba.

~~~~~~

The Brits told Tony Blair that he had to step down,

Leading Bush to wonder what could he do for Brown.

And the leaders of Pakistan sure looked like real pricks,

Still, I loved it ’cause they hit their politicians with sticks.

~~~~~~

Karl Rove quit his job, with no need to explain,

Clearly Dubya was no longer using his brain.

And sweeping baseball’s dirt finally ran out of rugs,

Apparently our sports heroes are simply on drugs.

~~~~~~

For a couple of days we followed Don Imus’ woes,

Seems a shock-jock can’t say “nappy-headed ho’s”.

And I think there was something about Brittany Spears,

But watching CNN cover it,  just brings me to tears.

~~~~~~

So, we watched while our President continued his mess,

And now we’re watching Giuliani on YouTube in a dress.

Yes old “W” proceeded to go down the old drain,

And not far behind was an even older John McCain.

~~~~~~

And don’t forget Huckabee, and Thompson, and Mitt,

It’s kind of like a choice between stupid and shit.

And what about Hillary and archrival, Barack…

I’d go pay-per-view to see them in the sack.

~~~~~~

‘Course there’s Edwards, and Richardson, and Kucinich, and Biden,

And when they’re asked questions they start slippin’ and sliden’.

To me next year’s election looks like a dogfight,

Between liberal lions and the huge Christian right.

~~~~~~

So, thinking I’d finished my poetic recap,

And after three beers, it seemed time for a nap.

Then up on the roof there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

~~~~~~

And can you believe it? Can you guess what appears?

A sleigh driven by Bill Clinton, and on his lap Brittany Spears!

I rubbed my eyes twice and was about to turn and go,

But then I heard his voice, and he said: “Ho, Ho, Ho.”

~~~~~~

He asked if my stockings had been hung with great care,

But I couldn’t stop starring at Brittany without hair.

And then he placed his finger on the side of his nose,

And all of a sudden, Brittany lost all her clothes.

~~~~~~

More rapid than eagles they flew in their glory,

Followed by a Fox News crew, who now had their lead story.

“How depressing,” I thought, looking down at the floor,

That TV news will air that, over genocide in Darfur.

~~~~~~

But I heard him exclaim as they flew by a star,

“Don’t worry, you can tune in to ole’ NPR!”

Then I went off to bed and I turned off the light,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

~~~~~~

HO, HO, HO!

Happy Holidays to All!

by Martin Andelman

Mandelman Matters

Please click the link below and consider joining your fellow homeowners as they make their voices heard in Washington and across the country.  Because only together will our voices be heard.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND HOMEOWNERS

A Virtual March on Washington

Can you hear me now?

Twas the Night Before Christmas… 2010

Twas the Night Before Christmas, 2010

And as I sat down, to pen this poem, once again,

My mind started thinking about the haves and have-nots

This year, I decided, I’d better pour me two shots.

~~~~~~

For this past year I started without that much hope,

The question was more about how we would cope.

Although it was change for which I was still yearning,

I’d soon learn that I did not like what I was learning.

~~~~~~

So, while stockings were hung by our chimney with care,

My hopes for St. Nicholas, just weren’t there.

I wanted to bring Christmas cheer to each person,

But I couldn’t help thinking our world would soon worsen.

~~~~~~

Some said this past year we would start to recover,

But as stimuli wore off, we would come to discover,

That our housing crisis was not a thing of the past,

As we waited to see Option ARMs that recast.

~~~~~~

As last year began, the earth shook beneath Haiti,

We sent food & money, and a song by some lady.

A month later Chile’s earthquake caused a giant Tsunami,

Then the next one hit China, and I wanted my mommy.

~~~~~~

Around the world wars still raged, and not peace,

But the real news was S&P downgrading Greece.

Soon their streets would erupt into televised riots,

Seems austerity programs don’t keep people quiet.

~~~~~~

The EU would now need a bailout of billions,

But Germany didn’t even want to send millions.

Then Spain was in trouble, and soon there’d be others,

And they could all fail, if some had their druthers.

~~~~~~

But just as we’d done, they came up with the money,

This culture of bailouts was no longer that funny.

Because even with trillions we’d given to banks,

They didn’t modify or lend, or even say thanks.

~~~~~~

Then BP in the Gulf caused an oil eruption,

The media forecasted 100 years of disruption,

But they cleaned it all up, it was ultra-high-tech,

BP off to keep drilling, after writing a check.

~~~~~~

Meanwhile here at home, our homes kept foreclosing,

While politicians responded by smiling and posing.

I knew the Dems would get crushed in the mid-term election,

The only thought that could give John McCain an erection.

~~~~~~

But, for reasons unknown, it had been health care reform,

That took up Barack’s time, as the lobbyists swarmed,

And as I sat writing, dressed warm in my flannels,

I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of death panels.

~~~~~~

This year financial reform, would top Barack’s list,

But with bankers opposed, we got screwed and not kissed.

Prevent the next crisis, was the theme we were drumming,

But what passed wouldn’t have stopped even this one from coming.

~~~~~~

About HAMP, Treasury would spend the whole year in denial,

While Senate investigations would put bankers on trial.

Yes, the acts of the bankers were meticulously tracked,

Our economy, it seemed, had been Goldman Sach’d.

~~~~~~

It was Blankfein and Lewis and Dimon and Pandit,

And Prinze, Stumpf and Mack, that were all in fact bandits.

Dick Fuld was home wondering, Who is John Gault?

He kept right on saying that Lehman wasn’t his fault.

~~~~~~

We found mortgage servicers were not in alignment,

And then we found out, the banks lost all the assignments.

They had robo-signers, to bring fraud on the court.

It seems to banks, a foreclosure was some kind of sport.

~~~~~~

This year lawyers proved, the banks were full of blarney,

And their names were Max Gardner and of course, April Charney.

Without attorneys like them, banks had a clear path to foreclosure,

And finally, thank God, the media gave them some exposure.

~~~~~~

Then November arrived, and the Dems were shellacked,

They’d forgotten who’d brung them, and so were attacked.

Voters cared little about who was a smartie,

In fact many decided to attend a tea party.

~~~~~~

And then up on the roof, there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

Away to the window, I flew like a flash,

It was Bernanke with six-hundred billion in cash.

~~~~~~

My eyes couldn’t believe it, as I stood there freezing,

Ben said Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve brought quantitative easing.

But will that help people, from LA to Carolina?

Because one things for sure, it’s gonna’ piss off China.

~~~~~~

He said he had to do something, the economy to spark it,

And this would keep rates low and help the stock market.

And that would in turn mean we’d feel wealth affected,

Which would allow consumer spending to be resurrected.

~~~~~~

Okay Ben, I said, although what I was thinking,

Was that this guy had done just a bit too much drinking.

It wasn’t rates or the market that caused spending to stop,

It was housing prices that did nothing but drop.

~~~~~~

Ben said he must go, for he had many stresses,

He had left Santa running his cash printing presses.

I asked him to give Santa my best regards,

But he said all he cared of, was people charging with cards.

~~~~~~~

Then all of a sudden from out of his sack,

Came Elizabeth Warren, and she gave him a smack.

“That’s enough Ben,” she said, and her voice was quite stern,

“There’s a few things about people that you need to learn.”

~~~~~~

You see Christmas will come, with the sun of tomorrow,

And you’ll see that it’s not about how much you can borrow.

Because Christmas is not what is under the tree,

The spirit of Christmas is something that’s free.

~~~~~~

I wanted to give Liz a great big loving hug,

I wished we could bottle her up like a drug.

She threw Ben in the back and took off in the sleigh,

And she promised to send Santa before the next day.

~~~~~~

I called after her, Liz… where will you go from here?

I wanted to offer to share Christmas cheer.

She said she’d be back, in a few hours at most,

First, she’d visit Geithner’s dreams, in her role as Christmas ghost.

~~~~~~

I wished she’d stay’d longer, as I wanted to thank her,

But I loved her for rattling chains at the country’s top banker.

And I heard her exclaim, as she flew out of sight,

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah… and to all a good night.

~~~~~~

HO, HO, HO…

And I wish the Happiest of Holidays to all!

by Martin Andelman

Mandelman Matters

I write this year-in-review holiday poem every year. To find past year’s versions,

just visit Mandelman Matters and scroll down to the box titled “People Say I’m Funny.”

You’ll also find it in the center spread of the December issue of The Niche Report magazine.

Please click the link below and consider joining your fellow homeowners as they make their voices heard in Washington and across the country.  Because only together will our voices be heard.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND HOMEOWNERS

A Virtual March on Washington

Can you hear me now?

~~~

Hey… why not take a minute and SUBSCRIBE to Mandelman Matters so you’ll get it delivered to your email daily? Don’t worry, you don’t have to read it, if you don’t want to.  But you’ll feel better when you do!

This week, the federal government is said to be announcing a new federal program designed to keep our economy vacillating between deflationary collapse and contrived recovery.  The program, referred to as the Special TARP Underwriting Program to Impede Development, will first tackle the challenge of bringing the government’s most inane economic stability plans together under one larger, yet infinitely more purposeless program banner.

Initial funding for the Special TARP Underwriting Program to Impede Development will come primarily from contributions made on a voluntary basis by the nation’s largest and most insolvent financial institutions, through the sporadic unannounced printing of twenty and fifty dollar bills, and from change found in the couches left behind in foreclosed homes.

Names floated in the press for program director included initial frontrunner, Carrot Top, followed by Dan Quail and Paris Hilton, although confirmed reports say that Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and White House economic advisor, Larry Summers, have thrown their considerable combined clout behind Elizabeth Warren.

“I can’t think of anymore more qualified for this job than Liz,” the Treasury Secretary said while attending a Telethon for the Boatless in Miami Beach, sponsored by the magazine, Unbridled Avarice, and through a grant made by Goldman Sachs.  (In the spirit of full disclosure, Goldman did file papers with the SEC stating that the firm does plan to short that grant in an effort to remain vigilant about it’s risk profile.)

The Special TARP Underwriting Program to Impede Development is known by the acronym, STUPID.  The program is projected to provide assistance to responsible American homeowners who have high credit scores, equity of $200,000 in a second home, and surnames that begin with “Gh” or “Pf,” assuming they did not file a tax return in 1992, and reside primarily in a state that ends in the letter “E”. Qualified homeowners can apply for assistance under the program by calling a toll-free number at HUD; area code 212-GET-STUPID.

Secretary Geithner explained the program to reporters while waiting for his dessert soufflé to rise.  Those in attendance said that he told the group that the program would help homeowners and get the economy back on track by removing the key obstacle to the future profitability of financial institutions.  He also mentioned that the soufflé was dry.

“So, now that you understand what STUPID is, let’s talk about what STUPID does,” Geithner told the group.  “I think you can see why Larry and I feel so strongly that Liz Warren be asked to run the new program.  I think that she, more than anyone else I can think of, is representative of what the program is all about.  I’m hoping that within a very short period of time, the entire country will associate the name Elizabeth Warren with STUPID.  I know Larry and I both do already.”

The good news is that almost all of the HAMP participating servicers have already signed on to participate in the new program, so most homeowners are very likely to find that they have a STUPID Servicer handling their loan.

Mandelman out.

Twas the Night Before Christmas – 2009

Twas the night before Christmas-2009,

With 12 months having passed, it was finally time.

To pen this Christmas poem, and recap the past year,

So I sat by the fire and cracked open a beer.

~~~

Last Christmas, if you recall, we were watching the clock,

Awaiting a new president, by the name of Barack.

For he had won last year’s bout, over McCain he came sailin’,

No surprise when you consider the factor named Palin.

~~~

And when Barack Obama, into office was sworn,

With almost half the nation feeling disdain and scorn,

Finally the man who had pledged hope and change,

Would be our 44th President, although his name did sound strange.

~~~

Within weeks, while our new Pres was still embryonic,

He went to work on a bill of stimuli economic.

Republicans said NO, but they looked kind of nuts,

All singing in harmony: “Three Cheers for Tax Cuts!”

~~~

The bill provided millions for re-seeding the Mall,

And for condoms, and solar, so global warming would stall.

I knew Barack’s promise of jobs was no whim,

I just hadn’t realized they’d all be working for him.

~~~

Running Treasury would be Geithner, what’s a little tax evasion?

When I first saw him I thought: “No one could be more Caucasian.”

He had to keep the banks open, in case you hadn’t heard.

Without “Nationalization,” this year’s dreaded ‘N’ word.

~~~

GM finally went BK, and it was such a bummer.

Recession or not, Americans do love their Hummer.

But while Fannie & Freddie were the only ones lending,

It would soon be apparent that most folks would stop spending.

~~~

Throughout most of the year we pumped cash never ending,

So banks would be healthy, or so we’d be pretending.

There was Citi, and Wells, B of A, and then Chase,

They were “too-big-to-fail,” they said with a straight face.

~~~

And finally Obama spoke of the plan known as HAMP.

When it came to speeches he was the undisputed champ.

He said his plan would save millions from being foreclosed,

But most homeowners say that they just plain got hosed.

~~~

Obama said loan modifications were free!

You could just call your bank, and for loan mods press ’3′.

But the banks had their own way of handling things,

Only answering phones after 10,000 rings.

~~~

Tim Geithner decided he would not let us see,

The formula whose initials were N-P and V.

I now knew this administration would taketh the cake,

When they said “transparent,” they meant extra opaque.

~~~

Unemployment kept rising each day after day,

While the left thought “asked soldiers” should tell when they’re gay.

The banks kept reporting on their loan mod mail-outs,

I suppose so that Geithner would not stop the bailouts.

~~~

As the summer progressed and foreclosures climbed higher,

I learned that Tim Geithner was a talented liar.

Between Geithner and Bernanke it was hard not to scoff,

Like getting your forecasts from Bernie Madoff.

~~~

Timmy G. changed accounting, yes he was a bank’s friend,

So when banks incurred losses they’d just extend or pretend.

Their balance sheets started to look better to best,

Regardless how they’d scored on their secret stress tests.

~~~

Then throughout the summer it was health care at odds,

Would the public option cover the death squads?

Republicans screamed socialism from atop the highest hill,

And that was three months before there was a bill.

~~~

Twas Bill Clinton to the rescue, for two in North Korea.

He just walked up to Kim Jong Il and said “Hi, nice to see ya’.

They asked me to come, to share my wisdom in pearls,

And because I’m an expert at picking up girls.”

~~~

Still homeowners kept trying to go the extra mile.

But instead of a break they’d get tribulation and trial.

People started to wonder if Barack still had a plan,

‘Cause he seemed much more concerned with Afghanistan.

~~~

And even though our Pres received the Nobel Prize,

His star started fading in quite a few teary eyes.

Then when Tiger got busted, it destroyed my psyche,

I can only imagine what they were thinking at Nike.

~~~

Then up on the roof there arose such a clatter.

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

And what my eyes saw looked positively sillary,

In a red Santa suit, t’was a Clinton named Hillary.

~~~

What happened to Santa, I asked so politely.

Didn’t want to make waves, so I thought I’d tread lightly.

She said: “I was sent out to spread American cheer,

And by the way, who did you cast your vote for last year?”

~~~

While around the world soldiers still huddled in bunkers,

Here at home we were all getting cash for our clunkers.

Santa said he had presents for all, I said: “Thanks!”

Then he winked as he whispered “And lumps of coal for the banks.”

~~~

And when I saw what Santa left me there under the tree,

It read:  Bonuses Cut to $0 at AIG!

I said: “Thank you Santa,” as he flew out of sight.

And I said “Merry Christmas,” and I turned off the light.

~~~

As I drifted to sleep, I dreamed the crisis foreclosure,

Would finally be getting the much deserved exposure.

And I knew I’d love Christmas, even though I am Jewish.

I couldn’t wait to see Santa go after Dimon, Stumpf, Blankvein and Lewis…

~~~~~~

HO, HO, HO!

Happy Holidays!

by Martin Andelman

Mandelman Matters

~~~~~~

Please click the link below and consider joining your fellow homeowners as they make their voices heard in Washington and across the country.  Because only together will our voices be heard.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND HOMEOWNERS

A Virtual March on Washington

Can you hear me now?

The Obama Administration’s Making Home Affordable program may have gotten off to a slow start, but ever since the press started criticizing the program’s insipid results, things have improved quickly and dramatically.

According to data released by the U.S. Teaseury Department, when you add up the numbers of loan modifications being reported by the Hope Wow Alliance, Chaseme, Bunk of America, Wheres Fargo, MUD, and other skanks and servicers, as of November more than 3.6 billion homeowners have been offered loan modifications.  At this point the government says it’s outpacing foreclosures by a margin of nine to one.

“We’re still not quite where we wanted to be, but we’re happy with the progress,” said a spokesperson for the Teaseury Department.  “At this point, our goal is to modify at least 50% of the homes on the planet, and we’re closing in on that goal.  We’re modifying homes regardless of whether they are mortgaged or not.”

Wells Fargo, the nation’s largest home lender, has begun 930,652,000 trial modifications, or 29 percent of the eligible mortgages in North, Central and a good part of South America, under the HAMP program so far this year, according to U.S. Teaseury data released Tuesday.  After initially being criticized for its slow pace of modifications, the San Francisco-based bank now has among the highest modification rates in the free world. U.S. Bancorp has modified 150 million mortgages, even though the Minneapolis-based bank did not enter the HAMP program until September.

Housing counselors and lending experts say that HAMP is having a meaningful impact on the global foreclosure rate, and Lucely Figures, a housing economist at Muddy’s expects at least another 3 billion loan modifications next year.

A recent report by banking regulators explained that mortgage modifications come in many forms.  In some cases, lenders can lower interest rates, extend the loan term, or reduce the amount of the loan by forgoing part of the principal.

The Obama Administration was quick to point out that although in the past, many of the loans modified resulted in homeowners being saddled with higher payments, of the loans modified over the last 45 days, only 8% resulted in significantly higher payments, and 92% of the payments were left unchanged or only slightly higher.

“Clearly the program has found its legs,” said President Obama in a speech to an adoring crowd of Lithuanian quilt makers.  Lithuania is the eleventh stop on the president’s Hope-to-Stay-on-Tour-Until-the-Midterms tour of the most obscure Baltic States.

“I think there’s no question that the new data released today shows that we’re figuring out the housing problem,” the President said, “I’m confident that most if not all of the modifications will have exactly the same payments they had before they were modified from this point forward.  And Americans should be happy about that.”

The government’s data shows that 73.4 percent of modifications that left payments unchanged, were only 30 days more delinquent, thirty days after they were modified.  And, according to the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, a federal bank regulator, lenders and servicers are supporting efforts to modify loans where payments remain unchanged.

“Banks and servicers have heard the administration’s demands to stop increasing payments when modifying loans, and the industry has decided that it’s ready to get behind an initiative to leave the payments right where they were before the loan was modified,” said Edward Chingching, President of the American Bankers Cabal.”

“Look, the financial institutions of this country recognize that without the American taxpayer, along with the government officials the industry keeps in its pocket, most of the banking executives in this country would not have received eight and nine figure bonuses this past year.  To show how appreciative the banks are for the countless trillions in taxpayer support, the industry sees it as being entirely appropriate to continue modifying loans so that every single homeowner’s payment remains unchanged,” added ChingChing.

The Obama Administration plans to respond to the banking industry’s generosity by increasing the $75 billion originally allocated to the banks and serivcers that modify loans under the program, to an even $1 trillion.  However, according to the President, most Americans will not see their taxes go up as a result.

“We’re going to fund the program simply by taking all of the wealth of the richest 1,000 people in this country, after they’ve passed away,” explained a spokesperson for the White House who asked not to be named because he didn’t want to be chastised by his pals at the Harvard-Yale-Princeton Club for spoiling a surprise.  “The timing is right, because most of the richest 1,000 are quite old already, but we might even kill someone from another country, if he or she were rich enough.”

“Of course, that doesn’t mean we’d be shipping the job overseas,” President Obama added quickly.  ”We’d certainly make every effort to use an American hit-person; I am resolved that if it can be done by an American, it should be.  Unless, of course, it’s A LOT cheaper to have a foreigner do it, like if you’re talking running shoes or something like that.  There’s no point in our trying to compete with essentially enslaved people in sweat shops being paid $2 a week.  Besides they do a great job with running shoes over there.”

Some critics are still whining that the number of trial modifications are still too high, and that it’s taking far too long for homeowners to obtain a modification from their lender or servicer, but the Teaseury Department was quick to dismiss such voices of dissent.

Said Secretary Geithner: “Those are simply not issues with the way the plan is working now.  I’ll admit that going into it, we underestimated how difficult it would be to convince the banks to leave payments unchanged after a modification, they just naturally started making them higher.  We also failed to realize how annoying it would be to answer all of those calls placed by whiny, deadbeat homeowners.”

“That’s why today, we’ve set it up so that banks don’t have to talk to a homeowner in order to modify their mortgage.  Today, all the banks just add up the number of homes in a specified geography, such as the Eastern or Western Hemisphere, and then divide the number up by bonus size.  Then each banker simply has to fly over the general area of homes being modified and report their numbers to Teaseury,” Geithner explained.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Goldman Sucks CEO, Lord Blankcheck received $100 million in compensation this year, the most of any bank, so the Golden Man was given the most modifications.  Goldman, however, couldn’t utilize the modifications in this quarter, so their Fictional Asset Development team, known as FAD, converted them into a series of leveraged derivatives and swaps that opened and immediately tripled in heavy trading in Asian bond markets.

Goldman says that it expects to post a $97 billion gain for the quarter, and sees nothing standing in the way of another year marked by Powerball-size bonuses.

Related Articles You Might Enjoy:

Goldman Sachs You’re a Liar!

Bank of America Says They’ve Modified 50,000 loans.  Whatever that means.

Wells Fargo’s Ghetto Loans and the Mud People

Twas the Night Before Christmas, 2008

Twas the night before Christmas 2008,
And as I relaxed by the fire to contemplate,
The remarkable year this past one had been,
So I poured a nice pinot, and dove right in.

~~~~~~

When it started we wondered just whom we’d be electing,
As to which one would win, there appeared no detecting.
But we knew one thing for sure, and for this we were happy,
Compared to Bush our next pres couldn’t be half as crappy.

~~~~~~

Most thought Hillary, our first presidential Mama,
Back then we weren’t sure that we’d all love Obama.

~~~~~~

Of course, Edwards was running but we didn’t much care,
We were still all wrapped up in his fabulous hair.
Then there was Richardson, & ole’ Tailgunner Joe
And Kucinich whose wife looks like a high-priced ho.

~~~~~~

On the other side of the isle, John McCain was the maverick,
And Mitt was the Mormon & Huckabee the cleric.
And who could forget Rudy’s campaign mess,
He ran for President of Florida, and looked okay in a dress.

~~~~~~

And it’s worth a brief mention that there was also Ron Paul,
But standing next to the others he appeared four feet tall.
In each of their campaigns, to the right they’d soon lurch,
To woo all the voters who voted in church.

~~~~~~

We all waited for the Tuesday that promised to be extra super,
But when it was over, we were still in a stupor.
McCain finally emerged atop his straight-talk express,
He kept saying “My friends,” and looking old, but I digress.

~~~~~~

The democrats, however, raced right down to the line,
And at the end, we all learned that Hillary sure could whine.
Yes it was Senator Obama who would ultimately emerge,
As McCain kept reminding us that he’d voted against the surge.

~~~~~~

Barack was so smooth, compared to Bush he looked strange,
He had thousands of ways to say vote hope and change.
And he kept getting better, night after night,
Except for a wrong caused by old Reverend Wright.

~~~~~~

But what Barack lacked in experience, he more than made up for,
By sounding smart and reasonable, and with kids we could all adore.
A true intellectual, Barack was more than a look,
And it had been a long time since we saw a President read a book.

~~~~~~

August finally arrived, and each had their convention,
Starring McCain’s Jewish sidekick, and John Kerry, the Frenchman.
And while Barack was on fire, McCain seemed to be ailin’.
Until from straight out of nowhere, rode in a woman named Palin.

~~~~~~

Yes, Sarah showed up in a dress of chartreuse,
She was the mother of five, and could field dress a dead moose.
About global warming, she wasn’t ready to appraise,
Was it man’s doing, or part of the end of days?

~~~~~~

Sarah Palin looked great, when she arrived down south,
But Katie Couric asked questions, and she opened her mouth.
After that many voters, to her simply stopped listenin’,
It was clear she was a token evangelical Christian.

~~~~~~

But McCain grinned ear to ear, cause his veep carried a purse,
It looked like some old guy was traveling with his nurse.
And Obama announced Joe Biden would be his veep,
And we yawned, said “OK,” and went right back to sleep.

~~~~~~

McCain said that Obama should inspire some scares,
Because he once had coffee with an old hippie named Ayers.
He accused Barack of everything under the sun,
But as everyone watched as ole’ McCain came undone.

~~~~~~

Fox News sprang into action, it was total insanity,
Every show attacked Obama, starring O’Reilly and Hannity.
MSNBC on the Dem’s side, it was easy to peg,
‘Cause Obama gave Chris Matthews a tingle up his leg.

~~~~~~

Then the Ides of September brought a financial tsunami,
While McCain’s economic forecast remained sunny & balmy.
Then Palin spoke of small town Pro-America places,
And inspired disbelief on FDNY faces.

~~~~~~

But then on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
And what my eyes saw did appear such a bummer,
It was a sleigh pulled by Harleys, driven by Joe the Plummer.

~~~~~~

He pulled up and tossed ole’ McCain in his sack,
When he took off from the rear we could see plumbers’ crack.

~~~~~~

More rapid than eagles they roared into the night,
And I heard Joe tell John as they flew out of sight,
“I’ll deliver your economic message to the people you seek,
I’ll just whip up a catch phrase with a folksy mystique.”

~~~~~~

So, as election night passed Barack Obama became president,
For the first time The White House would have four black residents.
That night the whole world rejoiced, and gave thanks in the dark,
From New York, to LA, to Chicago’s Grant Park.

~~~~~~

Now you might as well know, as Christmas Eve is now here,
That I already got what I asked for this year.
Santa knew I was happy as I said over the crowd’s roar,
“Wow, it’s amazing how much this night feels like the night Bush won in ’04!”

~~~~~~

Santa nodded and laughed, saying that he reckoned,
That McCain and “that woman” didn’t even deserve to place second.

~~~~~~

HO, HO, HO!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.

Martin Andelman

Mandelman Matters

Please click the link below and consider joining your fellow homeowners as they make their voices heard in Washington and across the country.  Because only together will our voices be heard.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND HOMEOWNERS

A Virtual March on Washington

Can you hear me now?