CNBC’s Diana Olick’s Husband is More Than Just a Little Scared Tonight…

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First of all, who in the world is this woman?  Until today, I couldn’t pick CNBC’s Diana Olick out of a line up.

In case you don’t watch the inane and oftentimes innumerate drivel on CNBC either, apparently Diana Olick is one of those “news chicks” that the network feels it has to put on in order to offset the balding, pudgy business-geeks that live in those little talking head boxes that seem to run nonstop all day long.  You know, the ones on which you can make a decent living just by buying whatever stock they’re selling, and selling whatever they say is sure to go up.  Yeah, those guys…

Well, yesterday Diana Olick reported that:

“All it took was one bad home sales report to turn the tide of sentiment from ebullient housing recovery to double dip doom.”

So, there you have it.  I guess the “tide of sentiment” has turned then.  I promise to stop being “ebullient” immediately and start preparing for “double dip doom”.  I’m sorry, but who the hell writes like that?  Ebullient?  Seriously?

Diana says she and everyone else saw the whole housing slowdown coming a mile away…

“Look, we all knew it was coming; home sales were spiked by several shots of government stimulus in the second half of 2009, and as that stimulus starts to wear off, sales activity has nowhere to go but down.”

Yes, I suppose it’s true that some of us didn’t buy into the housing-is-back nonsense, but how does stimulus “start” to wear off.  Isn’t April 30th when the first-time-and-more housing stimulus actually ends?  I wasn’t aware that when a tax credit program ends on April 30th, it “starts to wear off” right after New Years.  Fascinating stuff, Diana… please, do go on…

“The extension and expansion of the first time home buyer tax credit gave buyers breathing room to sit back and think about whether they really want to jump into this market now.”

Then it’s working as planned, because I distinctly remember Obama saying that he wanted to extend and expand the tax credit stimulus program for two key reasons: 1. To give buyers some much needed breathing room.  2. So those buyers could sit back, relax… and think.

Okay, Ms. Diana Olick… what else you got…

“Unfortunately, the credit expires just as the real spring season, and its potential embedded optimism, begins (April 30th), and that’s not the half of it.”

Is that when the “real” spring season begins?  Damn.  Hang on s sec, I have to reset my wrist calendar.  I am looking forward to some of that good old “potential embedded optimism” that the real spring so often brings.  A lot of people don’t know that about me, but I am a huge fan of “potential embedded optimism”.  Huge.

Then Diana explains that…

“The next conundrum is the end of the Federal Reserve’s $1.25 trillion mortgage backed securities purchase program.”

That’s the next “conundrum”?  And it’s coming up so soon?  Damn.  I hadn’t realized we were already done with the last conundrum.  I swear, it went by so fast, I barely had time to look confused.

Then she shared her biggest concern:

“But what concerns me most is this new bandwagon driving through the foreclosure crisis.”

Don’t laugh at her.  There are quite a few people with a real fear of bandwagons, and we should all try to be more understanding of their irrational silliness. I can’t believe I missed it, can you?  I mean, I watch the foreclosure crisis all the time… every day… and I’m sure I would have at least seen a bandwagon coming through, if not jumped on it.  She says that she’s starting to hear chatter about principal reductions, but not too worry, because she says the arguments pro and con are simple.

“The idea is to give folks equity back in their homes so they don’t walk away from their mortgage commitments. It would also help borrowers who don’t qualify for modifications because they are so far “underwater” on their mortgages. The arguments are plain and simple: Bite the bullet to save the greater housing market or don’t because the moral hazard is far too untenable.”

Yes, I suppose that’s about right, although I might phrase it somewhat differently.  The idea behind principal reductions is to prevent the United States banking system from imploding, and to prevent the deflationary spiral we’ve been in for the last two years from becoming a full scale depression from which we are unlikely to recover from for, as Paul Krugman (winner of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics, 2008) said recently… 18 years or longer.  But, I think we mean the same thing.

Then she said something so chilling that the temperature in my study dropped by 14 degrees, and our Goldfish jumped from his bowl to his certain death…

“I would honestly rather see my home’s value go down than see the guy next door… who made a poor/negligent financial decision get a mulligan at my expense.”

Okay, so the rest of this article is just directed at male readers.  Ladies, if you wouldn’t mind just clicking off to something else… there’s articles over for the fairer sex… thank you…

Guys… are we alone?  Okay, cool…

Oh my God… did you read what that CNBC business witch just said?  How would you like to be waking up next to her every day?  No thank you.  Can you imagine what her husband is thinking tonight?  That dude probably could not sleep all night long; he’s on eggshells for the rest of his damn life.  Do you think he knew she was like that before they got married?  Doubt it.

Olick’s husband has got to be lying in bed tonight thinking… “I can’t believe she just said that… and she really meant it too… she’d rather see the entire ship go down than see her neighbor get saved?  What an uber bitch!  If we ever end up getting divorced I’m a dead man.  And I had children with this woman?  Oh shit.”

Don’t worry, Diana Olick’s husband.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and one of your close friends will see you suffering and take you out with a shovel to the back of the head while you’re looking the other way. It could happen… and it’s okay to dream.

And where’s the guy who did this to Diana?  Dude… what on earth did you do that resulted in a journalist version of Cruella Deville?  Dump her for her best friend while you were with her at the Prom?  Date her mom after her?  Get caught slogging her sister in her bed?  Whatever you did, something went terribly wrong, because this chick gives the gift that keeps on giving: emotional baggage.

Now that I think about it… I think I’ve seen her before.  She looks just like a dominatrix I saw advertised online named “Ilsa… She-Wolf of the SS.”  Splittin’ image I’m telling you… Ilsa seemed a tad more compassionate, but other than that they could have been twins.

Please God… let this woman lose her home so that she may come to understand what a nasty, insensitive and wretched woman she has otherwise been… Amen.

Was I being too subtle?

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